The kids ran over to kiss their mother goodnight. She shot Korgul a dissaproving look: “nothing too bloodthirsty, now”. “Strite up!”, he replied, “I’ll just give ’em a little tale wiv all them nasty, nasty violent bits taken out I promise. Would I tell a fib to yer, now?”
Rolling her eyes, mother shooed him away. The children climbed into their beds at the far end of the common room, and Korgul sat. “Now settle down for a minit, and lets see if yer uncle can remember. It was all a long, long time ago now. I fink it was a bit like this:”
Nar, after I got out a prison, I went strite dahn the tavern and went lookin for the geezer wiv the dabber on is neck, like smiley told me. And there he was, sure enough. Big bastard ‘e was too. He told me to be at “The Chatty Bard” in free days time. So I showed up, rite as rain, and the place was full of geezers I never met before. Uncle Dave was there, and uncle Jeff. O’ course, they weren’t called that back then. But that’s where I met ’em for the very, very first time. And some of yer other uncles and aunties, too.
So this other geezer gets up on the steps and says he ‘as two jobs going, and would we like to do ’em. Well, the money was good, so naturally we was keen to ‘ear wot the jobs was.
One of the jobs was to go into sum catecombs. Nah kids, I don’t want ta frighten yer, but catecombs is where they puts the dead people. Nah that’s awright: we all have to die sometime, yes – even yer uncle Korgul, one day. But thing is abaht ’em: sometimes the dead people don’t always stay exactly dead. Catecombs is a job for yer priests and church people, and I never been one o’ them.
But the other job was ter go up to a museum, and pick something up for a geezer. Which suits me dahn ter the ground. A little pick-up and delivery job.
The geezer was very particular. ‘E wanted us to walk strite in the front door, strite dahn the middle of the hall, and pick up one particular, specific object. ‘E told us that it was a “source of infinite power”, which is a bit of a leg-pull as anyone wiv a dictionary can quickly determine.
Well, only free of us really knew how ter go quiet (‘Ave you been practising yer quiet steps, like yer uncle showed yer? Good – yer good kids, aint ‘cher? You’ll make yer old uncle proud when yer grows up.) So me an Chimera an Ruz went off dahn ter the museum for the pick up.
Anyway. I had wanted to make my dude a basher, but he may wind up being the thieves guild’s only actual thief.
Well, we got to the square outside the museum, and why do you know if it aint full of bleeding students: right toffs, most of ’em. Some sort of graduation party. We ‘ad a bit of a chat abaht wot to do. Well, wot I means is we started to ave a bit of a chat, but the place was full o’ pigs on account of all the dips workin the place last year. An the fights. So we got moved on and we ‘ad our chat walkin.
We fort maybe we could make a distraction – start a fight, maybe, or just set light to sumpin. Auntie Ruz was wiv us, done up as a very nice-lookin ‘uman lass. She woz a bit of a toff ‘erself and could ‘ave started a fight easy enough. But our boss was also a bit particular that we shouldn’t ‘urt anybody more than strictly necessary, so instead we just snuck up ter the front door of the museum. I fink I ballsed it up, but naffink came of it.
There wos a golem outside oos job was to say “Welcome to the museum!” as loud as ‘e bloody could when someone walked by. We wos a bit startled by this, and we were there after hours, but ‘e didn’t do anyfink else so we left ‘im alone. The front door was locked, seeing as our boss ‘ad ad a momentary mental blank and forgot to give us the key. But yer old uncle Korgul took care of that, no trouble at all.
Inside was just the front bit and sum rat traps, wot we just stepped around. Then there was the door to the inside, which yer uncle took care of again.
Well strike me pink if there wosn’t arf a dozen little display cases wiv glowing fings innum. They looked like they was worf a fortune each. I was so busy lookin I didn’t see the floor wos covered in pressure plates – lucky for me someone else did. I fink it was Chimera, but I’m not sure.
Anyway. After a mo we could tell every second tile was a plate. There was these stone statues dahn the side of the ‘all and we fort it would be a bit of a bad idea to get close to em. So I set to work wedging the plates dahn the middle of the ‘all, cos the particular object we was after was right at the end.
(Yer always carry a bit ‘o this and a bit ‘o that on a job. Most traps are all the same, on account of people usually copy sumpin that works, instead ‘o risking sumpin new. Yer want some wedges, a fair bit ‘o strong cord, coated leather gloves and sum ‘eavy copper wire for electrics. Yell yer wot: I’ll bring me old kit next time I visit, if yer mum tells me yer been good.)
So I wedged abaht free o these plates, me mates following up behind, except for Chimera o was a archer. Just going up the middle. The boss didn’t want us touching’ nuffink else, and we decided to behave ourselves for this first job and we did as we was told.
After a bit, I worked out that I could just step around the plates from where I was wivout getting near the statues and just lift the swag we were after. Well, wouldn’t yer know it. The reason there was a parf was because at that point the pattern of traps changed and I stepped right on top of one of ’em, didn’t I?
So all the statues come alive, and one statue in particular comes very alive. At which point, bugger keeping it quiet. I always liked a bit of a mix up, anyway.
The big statue comes after me, I suppose cos I’d been clumsy and stupid enough to step on sumpin I ortnt. Always be first to admit yer mistakes kids, and then dahn’t do it again (a lot o people forget that second bit).
Ruz decides to just do a snatch and runs past four of the other statues to get to the swag, and they bash ‘im a treat. ‘E gets to the case, and then won’t open it because if it blows up or sumpin it’ll knock I’m out. ‘E as a breather for a moment.
While this is going on, I pulls me dabber and starts on this big statue. Right in the works, I get ‘im.
The other two were knocking dahn the statues, so I went for the swag. Broke the case. I was expecting sumpin nasty when I did, and this thing dropped out of the ceiling. It wos sumpthing with, like, mental powers. Sometimes I’d swing at it but hit sumpthing else instead.
But I ‘ad the swag at that point so I just legged it. One of the other two wos in trouble, so I ran over and jammed up the construct wot was being difficult by sticking my dagger in it repeatedly.
After a mo we was all done. Nothing moving, and we ‘ad the swag. Then some geezer dropped clear dahn from the ceiling to the floor, blocking our exit.
It was the boss. ‘E gave us a little clap for our efforts – the ‘ole bloody thing was some sort ‘o test. All the swag was fake. We ‘ad ballsed up the “keeping it quiet” bit, but ‘e seemed ‘appy enough regardless. We wos accepted, and we moved inter the shop. The catacombs was a setup, too. Anuvver construct. But the money was real enuf for all of us.
And that’s how I got my start at the recovery service. How’s about we go pay the museum a visit tomorrow, eh? I’ll show yer where everything was.