So anyways, we were back at the U-Stow-It, sort o’ waitin for the uther shoe ter drop after our little meetin wiv the moll ‘oo runs Tarkanan, when up walks this goblin an introduces ‘imself as “Reggix”, and says ‘e wos the barman back when Mandor an the rest of us was dahn in Deathsgate, and could we please ‘elp ‘im.
So we is orl getting antsy anyways, and we says sure, why not? Turns out ‘is kid ‘as gone wandering off inter the old city underground, but ‘e is pretty sure where. It’s ter this “big set ‘o doors”, wot ‘as been closed since ferevver. So we ‘eads dahn, and there is ‘ook ‘orrors and shit. We kills one ovvem, but there is more coming.
Anyways. We is in goblin tunnels, an it gets tight, and a couple of us squeezes through but Corves an’ Gathak dont make it. We ‘eads on wivout them, which is a bit stupid but we is in a ‘urry to find this kid. The we come ter these doors what ‘ave been closed fer forever and yep, they is open. Oo’d o’ guessed it, eh?
Well, the kid wos in there ad ‘e wos sort of in a trance, or summik, and was sayin’
as a 13th moon rises, a blinding light will start the war anew
Wotever. There wos these angel fings, wot attacked, and then [can’t remember the name] summons this dragon, and the back wall of the room comes down and behind it is a whole city and this giant ‘and grabs the dragon, and we fight our way out.
Sorry about the summary, but there you go.
“This is bad! And you should feel bad!” ~ Zoidberg
Couple of days later, Regex (as we ‘ave decided to call ‘im. Don’t know why – I fink it’s some sort ‘o private joke) comes by an’ invites us ter dinner. It’d be a bit impolite not ter accept, so we grabs a couple of bottle from Lorne’s cellar and – well, wot do yer know. Pickles.
Gorfak wos finking of putting him in the cellar, or in the downstairs, but Pickles is a drunk and eiver would be a shockingly bad idea. I tells im to stuff pickles inter one of the upstairs rooms. And ter give ‘im a bucket.
So. We goes ter see Regex an’ ‘is missus. The kid seems no worse fer wear, but someone ‘as beaten up regex a treat. ‘E drinks more that wot ‘e should, but still ‘as presence of mind not to talk about business in front of the kid. A real family man is Regex, which is good.
I should explain – Regex wants ter join the guard. Personally, I ‘appen ter think that’s a great idea. I told ‘im a while back that I finks that it would be top if everyone in the guard were just like ‘im. ‘E gets the kid off ter bed and sits there drinkin’ Lorne’s wine in ‘is little fake guard’s uniform wot ‘e made ‘imself – gods love ‘im! – tellin’ us that goblins used ter own Sharn an by rights they still should. Then ‘e gets on ter ‘oo beat ‘im up.
Seems ‘e wos tryin ter arrest a slaver. No-one important, by which we means no-one ‘oo bothers any of the pinks what run the city. Just a bit ‘o kidnapping and selling goblins inter slavery. Nuffink serious (and if yer getting the impressions that I don’t fink much ‘o ‘umans ‘an toffs, yer might be right). Regex recons that if ‘e can pul off an arrest, they might make a guardsman of ‘im.
Nahh personally, I would very much like Regex ter be in the town watch, particularly as ‘e is a honest sort an’ we saved the life of ‘is kid. So I looks around the table an says “Regex, dahn’t yoo worry – we will ‘elp yer put cuffs on this bastard”. An ‘e is very ‘appy, as yer can imagine.
But I is concerned that, well, ‘e might arrest ‘im an nuffink comes of it, so I says that we has ter see the local captain ‘of the guard and nail dahn the deal. Nah, Regex wont go alone. But orl of us, well, after the prison beak an all that it could ge a bit dicey just walkin up ter the watch’ouse. So Gorfak goes wiv im.
Nah, I only gets this second-‘and, obviously, but Gorfak tells me that not only did ‘e get a firm “Owright, Regex, you arrest this prick and you’re a guardsman”, but the captain let summik very, very interesting slip. He says ter Gorfak, just quiet “I didn’t give Korgul a present just ter ‘ave you coves walk in here”.
Now it look like we knows where them military-grade explosives came from, wot we used ter blow the prison gates. Not ter mention the info that it would take four ovvem. But now we is left wiv a swag of new questions, innit? Like “Why the fuck?” I’m guessing there’s a bit of rivalry between ‘im and the bitch wot came dahn ter defend the place.
But there’s nuffink for it for now. We ‘ad ourselves a slaver ter arrest!
So we ‘eads over ter the market. The slaver is there, an ‘is two made men: a beastmaster wiv a couple of dogs ‘an a ogre. Which is bad news.
I slips in ‘an gets around behind the bastard. The rest of the boys move up, an Corves decides ter smack down a random goblin, which is not in the plan. Fer orl we know – that little bastard wos Regex’s brother-in-law, or summik.
But Regex doesn’t notice, and tells wotsisface that ‘e is under arrest. An it’s on. Most of us goes fer the ogre, and the beastmaster runs off after takin a bit of a cut. But the slaver runs away, and since the ‘ole point of the exercise is ter arrest ‘im, me an [arrgh! temporary NPC] chases ‘im and surrounds ‘im.
E is tough, but we is beating ‘im up when I gets a crossbow bolt ter the back. Seems that someone ‘as sent someone after me. I chats ter ‘im while beating up the slaver wiv the ‘elp of [temporary NPC]. Seems ‘ouse Boromir wants a word, which is bad news but not entirely unexpected. Ter tell yer the truth I might ‘ave gone wiv ‘im, but we is kind of in the middle of a serious fight an a couple of the boys attacks ‘im, so I tells ‘im over the row “Tell Boromir ter send someone polite around ter the U-Stow-It in The Bazzar, an’ we’ll ‘ave a talk.”, an ‘e shoots this ‘ooked net over us two ‘an the slaver.
Well at this, the ogre decides ter attack this bounty hunter, which is good, and I get out of the net.
The slaver does not get out, an the ‘ooks just about do for ‘im, an [temporary NPC] connects, and then I punch ‘im out and says ter Regex (where did ‘e come from?) “Cuff ‘im, Regex”.
At which point the ogre is a bit confused, but I speaks a bit ‘o giant talk and says “Kill that fucker!” [intimidate check] and ‘e continues in on the bounty hunter while I takes a breather.
After a bit more, the Bounty Hunter surrenders. “Stop, I yield!”. Very fancy. “I have never failed to fulfill a contract before”, he says. So I makes a bit of a speech attim. I says:
“Well, I don’t now that yer ‘ave failed, exactly. yer were supposed ter set up a meetin, and ye’ve done that. We’ll ‘ave a chat ter ‘ouse Boromir, nah worries. Look on the bright side! I always do.”
Big cheer at the table.
The hunter seem ter agree that any fight yer walk away from is a win, an nods. The ogre is confused. “What about boss?” he asks, indicating the slaver, who is currently unconscious and has Regex in his little homemade guards uniform sitting on his chest, punching his face. “Old boss lose fight.”, I tell him in giant, “You come with us. Good food. Sometimes quiet, sometimes fight”.
An’ ‘is big stupid face lights up, an everyfink is ok. Finally this fat guardsman runs in and looks at the situation. I don’t fink ‘e wants ter deal wiv us (lot of claret, lot of weaponry) so we points ‘im at Regex.
“In all my years”, ‘e says “I have never seen the like of this. Will you join the watch?”