The Honeybadger


So, The Bachelor. Why do I care? Because I don’t dare browse my usual internet content at my new job, I limit myself to news.com.au because there’s a link to it in the SOE setup, and news.com.au is loaded with crap about The Bachelor.

Seems The Honeybadger knocked back all the ladies. What a bastard! So many to pick from – he owed it to Australia to marry one of ’em!

Here’s what I think.

We can all agree, I’m sure, that it would be unreasonable to pick a girl and tell a dude he has to marry her. I’d say it would also be unreasonable to pick a dozen mostly identical girls and tell a dude to pick one. And all those bachelorette hopefuls were mostly identical.

“Identical?” you exclaim? “Identical? Why – some were blonde, and some weren’t!”

Were any of ’em – for instance – short? Maybe Mr Badge deep down yearns for a little pocket rocket to make his life complete. Were any of ’em – say – thicc? A little cushion for the pushin? Or: did any of ’em have truly big tits?

Nope, nope, and nope. They were all tall-ish, skinny models.

Were any of ’em asian? Maybe Mr Cummins has yellow fever. Maybe he has a thing for dusky temptresses from the subcontinent, so: were any of ’em Indian? How about black? Or – going the other way – were any one of these bachelorettes a milky-translucent-skinned green-eyed ranga? Molly Ringwald had her fans, you know.

But let’s get away from the merely physical.

Were any of ’em shy? Or demure? Or were all of them perfectly comfortable in a dress with a “neckline” plunging all the way to the navel?

Were any of ’em – oooh, I dunno – a fiery Mediterranean type? Maybe Mr Cummins has a thing for women who yell in Spanish or Italian, or Maltese women who truly believe in revenge.

Were any of ’em sincerely religious?

Naaah. There very format of the show makes it impossible. They were all models looking to get their faces and bodies on TV.

Were any of them really financially smart, a self-made millionairess from her own investments? Was any of them a waify, distracted art-girl? A nose-ringed anarchist? Or how about a country girl that can butcher a whole pig, no worries?

I’m sure at least some of them wanted children. So: how many of them could cook a family meal? Do a roast like it’s not really a big deal, it’s just what we usually have on a Sunday?

See what I’m saying? Don’t get me wrong: don’t accuse me of saying that a girl must be all of these things. Being one of them, or one of the millions of other types of individual is perfectly fine. There’s nothing in the least wrong with being a skinny cookie-cutter model with a white girl ass and no hips and I’m sure all of these women have their admirers. But insisting that Nick is obliged to marry a girl like that? When that’s just not what he happens to be into?

Hell no.

At least he takes marriage somewhat seriously. Seriously enough, at least, to not commit to someone because a TV producer tells him that Australia expects it.

It’s a stupid TV show. Its premise is bonkers. And it’s mainly some of the worst kinds of people who would want to be on it. They’ll never put an honest man on the show again – they’ve learned their lesson. From now on, every bloke playing the season’s bachelor will be an impossibly handsome gay guy with a wholly invented and scripted back story.

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